It is not easy to graduate with flying colours, is it?

When I started my master’s degree program on a part-time basis in November 2003, I had not anticipated that the journey would be a long and tough one. It indeed required high self-motivation, self-discipline and personal sacrifice to master the art of juggling between excessive workload in the office and the demanding nature of the master’s study. First and foremost, I had to release some of the administrative positions in the college in order to concentrate on my studies (so long to all the privileges and luxuries I had previously enjoyed). Second, I had to lower my status as a post-graduate student by attending, not one but, six under-graduate classes. Since my first degree was in Political Science, I had to complete these under-graduate subjects as a basic requirement to qualify me for a current program in TESL. It was a weird environment, learning together with those freshmen, and going through all the hassles as a sophomore (luckily they hardly noticed my humble existence, thanks to my boyish character).

The field of the study was my own choice, not my family’s nor brother’s (Thank God!). It was fun at the beginning. In fact, learning how to teach English as a second language and, at the same time, teaching English to my students at the college were extremely exciting. Learning was so rewarding that I managed to score a flat CGPA of 4.000 during the first semester of my post-graduate studies. I had never been so proud of myself. What a way to start!

Completing undergraduate subjects was easy, especially Phonetics and Phonology, my favorite subject. It was my pleasure sitting together with those eager and creative students. At times, I was intellectually amused that they learned those subjects at their early age. Seeing these language students learning literature made me even more jealous since I never had a chance to learn it formally during my fresh days (I once vowed to myself to register for a literature course one day).

After passing these under-graduate subjects, I had to complete ten master subjects, the real post-graduate subjects. It was a completely new direction for me since I was not an English graduate. Despite all the troubles, learning English at a higher level was academically and linguistically fulfilling. The lecturers and classmates were fun and helpful. We were like a family. I looked forward to going to afternoon classes. It was thrilling to find myself teaching English in the morning and learning English in the afternoon. What a bizarre combination! And I managed to complete all the subjects and coursework rather gracefully in 2005, with a final CGPA of 3.566. Alhamdulillah.

But that’s not all. Here comes the hardest part of my study – the thesis writing,

As a matter of fact, I could have avoided writing a thesis had I opted to a Comprehensive Examination. However, based on various professors’ (and my brother’s!) professional recommendations, I chose a tougher option - writing. They strongly claimed that research writing would prove that I was a true academician who would secure a first-class place in a university. Luckily, it seemed fit to my life plan. Therefore, I followed their advice, not knowing what price that I had to pay afterwards. Because the subsequent consequences were almost unbearable.

To begin with, thesis writing has cost me a lot of physical and mental energy. I was slowly drained by the powerful force it demanded from me. Frankly, it took me one year and a half just to complete a research proposal. The final draft sent to my supervisor was the eighth draft! Yes, my supervisor has been tediously fussy. She meticulously checked into every single detail of the proposal. But in some aspects, she was not that demanding actually. Knowing that I was working, she let me do my research work independently. Most of the time, I took my own sweet time finishing the thesis only later to realize that time had flown so rapidly. There were times when I couldn’t discipline myself anymore. Studying sometimes seemed like a big burden that I wished I didn’t start it at all in the first place. I was lost in the middle of urban enjoyment and metropolitan disillusions.

I experienced a terrible angst when I was at the university’s 22nd Convocation Ceremony last year. When I saw my own classmates graduating with honours, I felt a strong pang of envy and panic, and I saw myself leaping to a complete doom. It was supposed to be my graduation day too, I was telling myself repetitiously. What happened to me? I should be there too, walking on the stage, receiving scroll, receiving feel-good greetings from family and friends. But there I was, strolling lazily on the walks of disaster, stranded among the academic fools. Truly, I was damn jealous of those graduates, that I felt like I could take out a gun, pull a trigger and kill them randomly. Like a giant slap onto my face, it was dawned to me that I had to do something for my abandoned study.

I thereafter became more determined to take my study more seriously when thinking of those stuffs that I had dreamed of, that I would potentially achieve after getting my master’s degree – better career, better monetary returns, better life! I am even considering to join my brother’s university in Sabah (Things are ironically good between my brother and I recently). Alternatively, I would join any public university, get a decent academic position with a better pay, get a good bondage agreement, and apply for a fulltime Ph.D program overseas. I would not do it on a part-time basis anymore because it has been so tiring and sickening. I didn’t want to be in the hell anymore (hell me!).

So, with this determination, I gained my composure again, locked myself up, sacrificing most the weekends putting together all the puzzles and mysteries of my thesis, putting aside all the administrative fuss in the college, and casting away all the candy invitations from friends. I just wanted to make sure that I would be one of the graduates in the next 23rd Convocation Ceremony. This year. Truly, I had promised to myself that I would make it this time around, that I would not slip again.

And things looked a little brighter recently. I have proudly completed the thesis and submitted it to a second reader for final evaluation.
“Am I on the right track, Professor?” I asked my supervisor.
“Don’t worry Cekmi, you’ll complete your thesis in eight weeks’ time. And of course, you’ll graduate this August!”

Wow. My supervisor sounded so optimistic. I wish her words would come true. Thinking of this possibility made me feel so jubilated. After such a long painful time, I could now envision myself receiving the scroll.

And I could imagine my friends lining up after the convocation, proudly waiting to say the much-awaited mantra:

“Congratulations on your graduation Cekmi!”