Having tendered my resignation and living in KL during a temporary period of a two-month notice have brought about a lot of unexpected sentiments. Knowing that leaving is certain has also invited so many suffocating thoughts. I am now living in the middle of a major turnaround in my life. As I am getting ready to cross a new road and embark on a new adventurous journey, all things suddenly fall thunderously into a bigger, scary picture. Strong emotions and melancholy are reluctantly enveloped towards current attachment and future detachment – what’s left behind and what’s coming next. This happens almost dreamlikely, as if I had just been given some kind of power of a prophetic vision.

After having received the offer from Universiti Teknologi Malaysia, I have been having a surreal life. The doors of opportunities seem wide open and begin to gain their amazing momentum. While waiting nervously to start my new career at UTM, surprising news keeps coming my way, which seems too good to be true. While job-hunters are struggling to get into employment, I am spoilt with choices. After getting a place in UTM, I had to reject three rare offers of interviews from Universiti Malaysia Terengganu, Universiti Malaysia Pahang and International Islamic University Malaysia. Plus, I also had to turn down a lucrative offer of employment from Swinburne University. I can’t believe that I did this. When you stop chasing the shadow, they will be chasing back towards you, won’t they?

One thing for sure, getting into a public university has been my utmost aim. So, when it came to me all at once, knocking my complacent door of life, it took me days to realise that I was going to be reborn and reprogrammed into a totally whole new paradigm. However, having to leave KL for good and starting a new life in JB is hard to swallow. It has been mind-boggling to get things into their correct perspectives. The mental turmoil and emotional upheaval seem to be dominant that keep irking my waking hours.

Of course, I grabbed this opportunity greedily and wholeheartedly without even looking back. But it was hard not look back. I have been spending half of my life in Klang Valley. Moving away from my family at the of 16, I took pride in being independent and began building my self-sufficient livelihood in Klang, Lembah Pantai, Petaling Jaya, Sunway, Setapak, Wangsa Maju, Setiawangsa and Gombak. All these places have special parts in my memory since they have witnessed my painstaking fight towards manhood. The experiences gained and the friends met can never be traded lightly. But to achieve things, something must be sacrificed – I have to leave them behind.

Realizing this overwhelming fact, all my petty day-to-day activities appear so animated that hold some significance in their own ways. I am now seeing them with refreshing perspectives. Getting to college is now pleasurable, as if I have never been to my college. Looking at my students’ faces fills me with deep satisfaction, as if I have never seen them before. Gossiping with my colleagues is such a joy, as if I have never backbitten before. Having dinner with friends feels so alive, as if I have never dined with them before. Even driving through traffic-congested roads in KL is enjoyable, as if I have never driven through these crazy roads before.

Mundane and simple moments have never looked so extraordinary. Having single-mindedly pursued and achieved my personal dreams, I somehow feel that I have marginalized and overlooked so many valuable things in my life. I think I have not been kind and appreciative enough towards them. This fact saddens me. It is difficult to bid farewell to the good things around me. Frankly, I don’t really look forward to the idea of farewell gatherings, which I think I don’t deserve such an honour from the people whose kindnesses have always exceeded my unbecoming behaviours.

I am moving further away from my family and friends – from east coast to west coast and now to south coast. I will definitely miss them terribly. When I couldn’t sleep at nights, feeling insecured and frightened to leave behind all the comforts and familiarities here, I will try to blanket my disturbed mind by visualising the golden opportunities lying ahead of me, ready to be lived and realised. I will be thrilled pondering upon the promising chances of teaching matured university students, befriending wise professors, starting doctorate studies abroad, and living a more rewarding professional life. At this point, the overwhelmingly positive prospect of living in Johor Bahru seems so alluring and welcoming that I couldn’t wait to move and leave immediately. I will tell myself that my time has certainly come. My painful leaving is absolutely going to be reimbursed by my future prosperous living.

Bearing this in my mind, I am prepared to leave and live again.