Having tendered my resignation and living in KL during a temporary period of a two-month notice have brought about a lot of unexpected sentiments. Knowing that leaving is certain has also invited so many suffocating thoughts. I am now living in the middle of a major turnaround in my life. As I am getting ready to cross a new road and embark on a new adventurous journey, all things suddenly fall thunderously into a bigger, scary picture. Strong emotions and melancholy are reluctantly enveloped towards current attachment and future detachment – what’s left behind and what’s coming next. This happens almost dreamlikely, as if I had just been given some kind of power of a prophetic vision.

After having received the offer from Universiti Teknologi Malaysia, I have been having a surreal life. The doors of opportunities seem wide open and begin to gain their amazing momentum. While waiting nervously to start my new career at UTM, surprising news keeps coming my way, which seems too good to be true. While job-hunters are struggling to get into employment, I am spoilt with choices. After getting a place in UTM, I had to reject three rare offers of interviews from Universiti Malaysia Terengganu, Universiti Malaysia Pahang and International Islamic University Malaysia. Plus, I also had to turn down a lucrative offer of employment from Swinburne University. I can’t believe that I did this. When you stop chasing the shadow, they will be chasing back towards you, won’t they?

One thing for sure, getting into a public university has been my utmost aim. So, when it came to me all at once, knocking my complacent door of life, it took me days to realise that I was going to be reborn and reprogrammed into a totally whole new paradigm. However, having to leave KL for good and starting a new life in JB is hard to swallow. It has been mind-boggling to get things into their correct perspectives. The mental turmoil and emotional upheaval seem to be dominant that keep irking my waking hours.

Of course, I grabbed this opportunity greedily and wholeheartedly without even looking back. But it was hard not look back. I have been spending half of my life in Klang Valley. Moving away from my family at the of 16, I took pride in being independent and began building my self-sufficient livelihood in Klang, Lembah Pantai, Petaling Jaya, Sunway, Setapak, Wangsa Maju, Setiawangsa and Gombak. All these places have special parts in my memory since they have witnessed my painstaking fight towards manhood. The experiences gained and the friends met can never be traded lightly. But to achieve things, something must be sacrificed – I have to leave them behind.

Realizing this overwhelming fact, all my petty day-to-day activities appear so animated that hold some significance in their own ways. I am now seeing them with refreshing perspectives. Getting to college is now pleasurable, as if I have never been to my college. Looking at my students’ faces fills me with deep satisfaction, as if I have never seen them before. Gossiping with my colleagues is such a joy, as if I have never backbitten before. Having dinner with friends feels so alive, as if I have never dined with them before. Even driving through traffic-congested roads in KL is enjoyable, as if I have never driven through these crazy roads before.

Mundane and simple moments have never looked so extraordinary. Having single-mindedly pursued and achieved my personal dreams, I somehow feel that I have marginalized and overlooked so many valuable things in my life. I think I have not been kind and appreciative enough towards them. This fact saddens me. It is difficult to bid farewell to the good things around me. Frankly, I don’t really look forward to the idea of farewell gatherings, which I think I don’t deserve such an honour from the people whose kindnesses have always exceeded my unbecoming behaviours.

I am moving further away from my family and friends – from east coast to west coast and now to south coast. I will definitely miss them terribly. When I couldn’t sleep at nights, feeling insecured and frightened to leave behind all the comforts and familiarities here, I will try to blanket my disturbed mind by visualising the golden opportunities lying ahead of me, ready to be lived and realised. I will be thrilled pondering upon the promising chances of teaching matured university students, befriending wise professors, starting doctorate studies abroad, and living a more rewarding professional life. At this point, the overwhelmingly positive prospect of living in Johor Bahru seems so alluring and welcoming that I couldn’t wait to move and leave immediately. I will tell myself that my time has certainly come. My painful leaving is absolutely going to be reimbursed by my future prosperous living.

Bearing this in my mind, I am prepared to leave and live again.

We are continuously surrounded by misfortunes, which could take us by unspoken surprises and terrible consequences. The moment it happens, everything might seem out of control, and we are as helpless as the leaves falling off the old trees, as insignificant as the ants being swept trivially by human feet. Nothing in the world seems to care, not even those who witness it.

Little Mr. Dream is of no excuse.

He just got out of LRT at Terminal Putra Station when something terrible happened. Out of the blue, a few rugged-looking men stopped him.
“Hoi, kau yang rogol adik aku ye?” said the angry fat man to Little Mr. Dream.
“Hei, aku dah hilang sabar ni, kau jangan tak mengaku!” the fat man went on, breathing so hard it could kill Little Mr Dream alive.
For few awkward moments, Little Mr Dream was utterly speechless. Finally he responded:
“Tolonglah bang, saya tak buat apa pun!”
He was dragged into Proton Waja by force, and beaten up. Mercilessly.

He was found later in a neighbourhood near National Zoo, few kilometers away from the station. He was robbed and beaten up. He was clueless and confused. Apparently, he was the most unlikely to be accused as a rapist. For the record, that was one of the terrible chains of misfortunes he experienced in recent years.

Poor Little Mr. Dream. The world has been so unkind to him.

***

Little Miss Stupid was quarrelling with her lover again, who later beat her up, leaving her face injured, and left alone in the middle of MRR2, late at night.

“Why didn’t you fight him back?” I asked her afterward.
“I can’t. I love him so much.”
“Come on. Don’t tell me again that he is the one!” I said sarcastically.
“Let it be. I have forgiven him. I just want him to be happy. I care for him”
“Does he care for your own happiness?” I became impatient and said, “Wake up girl! You should be kinder toward yourself.”

Poor Little Miss Stupid. In the name of love, she became blind and turned the world heartlessly unkind.

***

Our sister Lunacy is facing an unruly world. Perhaps, this is the blessing in disguise for another precious gift from Him. And perhaps, this is the time for us to show our little mercy and care for our Guardian Angel.

You once made the world so beautifuL
But now the motherly world is testing yoU
We all miss the heartwarming passioN
For you have created everlasting dramA
Making our stories so unbelievably fantastiC
Showing us the beauty out of our lunatic tragedY

We surely live in an unkind world. So, let us treat each other kind, and charm this world with our kindnesses, so that we can undo its unkindnesses and replace it with all the possible beauties.

Back to KL, I am still feeling a little homesick. Okay, it is a little funny, but it is a little true. I am missing the emotional comfort of being so close with the people who care for me, who know the greyer part of my life, who know that my meal is not complete without the presence of specially-made-in-Binjal sambal. After 15 years, I am still the old Cekmi years ago when I was a pathetic, poetic 15-year-old boy who was craving for the lost familiarity, not wanting to let go of the soothing intimacy. And this feeling is always attached with petty stuffs I can easily find in my suitcases.

Few hours before I began the journey back here last week, my second sister had been acting like my mum, fussy over things my father would cynically take them for granted. Adamant, she managed to put some stuffs into my bag, among others:

Sambal daging
Telur masin
Tepung gomak
Ikan gelama
Gulai darat spice

Seeing her frantically put all these into my travel bag reminded me of my mum. Apparently, she tried very hard to take the place of my mother, and this was painfully heart-rending. Looking back at these little things now doubles the pain, as if the sambal is saying, “Eat me and your sister will be happy,” which is replied by the telur masin, “The sourer I taste, the happier your father will feel.” Then, tepung gomak will insist, “Swallow me to whiten your teeth so your smile will be cuter,” and answered by ikan gelama, “I will guarantee your cheerfulness.” Gulai darat spice then speaks with authority, “I am your family’s favourite, so will be yours.” And I will finally say: “Okay foods, stop talking to me, or else I will eat you guys.”

Things like that.

By the way, looking back at the modest activities during the previous Hari Raya Haji celebration, it was not that bad for a don’t-tell-me-what-to-do family. Despite the suppressed coldness among my siblings, we were able to put aside those obstacles and ended up doing few things that made me a little relieved. I won’t forget the commotion we faced the moment we were preparing satay (not 'sete') outdoor when the rain suddenly started to fall. We were making satay in the middle of the rain! Twenty or thirty years from now, this could be one of the moments to remember.

And those stuffs, unless they are not fed into my stomach, will be tokens to romanticize.