When I read this, I had a sudden urge to unleash some of the mysterious windows of my past life and share them with my dear readers. You might be shocked with the revelation since you might have to readjust your mind-setting later on me. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my confession.

It happened 14 years ago. 1992. I was just 16 years old. Sweet 16. Things were extremely complicated. I was in a boarding school in Klang. Emotionally, I had to bear a complex feeling since, for the first time, I had to live 400 miles’ away from my family in Kelantan. What’s more, life in a boarding school could be so suffocating especially when you are a gullible and innocent person who has to cater for all the nonsensical needs of the mentally-challenged seniors. Indeed, I was so in dire need for guidance and some light to heal my grieving soul.


It was during this breakdown stage that I found some comfort and relief in a school’s nasyid group. Yes, singing was my previous pastime. I became an active member who got engaged in almost all of the programs, internally and externally. What I didn’t know at that time was the hidden fact that this nasyid group was somehow related to another larger organization. We were so passionately involved that, out of a miracle, we later recorded an album in a real studio. Really. Soon after that, I joined another nasyid group which was more directly linked to the later-to-be-banned group. We were so close and hardworking that we succeeded in producing another nasyid album, right before Raihan became a hit in Malaysia. The last time I heard about the album was that it was sold more than 6,000 copies. What made me so proud was that the album was named after my song, yes, my own song. In fact, I composed three songs in the album. But, too bad, I never received the royalty.


At this moment, I had already become aware of the existence of the ‘father’ group. Being a lost teenager, I was not really bothered with the details of their teachings. But what I did know and care at that time was the fact that I truly enjoyed the group’s hospitality and kindnesses. They were so good to me. I had never felt so emotionally fulfilled in my life. The moments I was with them were unusually pleasurable. I went to their headquarters and enjoyed their friendly and warm treatment. We sang together the ‘sacred’ song, calling for someone’s return. The feeling was so strong that the melody and the lyrics of the song still remain as vivid as my own face in the mirror.


I remember reading the famous books by their leader. I felt some sort of deep admiration for him. I was captivated with his powerful words and prophetic insights. At that moment, I didn’t know what to believe. I was confused. But, I never said that I believed his prophecy nor rejected them totally. So, I just followed the flow rather blindly. What I minded most was that my free time was filled with friendly friends and fun activities. In fact, I helped them run few businesses in Klang and Shah Alam after my SPM. Yes, I did not go back to Kelantan. So naughty. I lived with them. I physically dressed like them. I was almost like them. I was not alone anymore. I felt so happily occupied, away from loneliness, healed from the anguished feelings caused by the previous cruelty during my hostel life.


My intimate involvement with the group lasted for two years. When I finally enrolled a university, I realized that I had to be more practical and lead my life as a normal teenager. When the group was banned later, I immediately detached myself from the group, discarding and burning everything related to the group. I was pretty shocked with the revelation of the deviant teachings and misleading rituals because I was not aware of those things. How ignorant and stupid. Having realized this, I had never considered myself to be a member of the group since I joined them for nasyid and ‘leisure’ purposes, simply trying to fill in the emotional gap in me. It did work that way. Really, it was a hard and devastating moment since then. I started to lose my close friends. I deleted all the contacts with them. I hid from them. I later transformed myself into a new, modern and open person. I began to make new friends - more normal and happening friends. I never turned back.


When the government decided to re-ban the group recently, I was not surprised anymore. I knew that the group can be so persistent. But, I am neither a supporter nor an opponent for this group. Let the government decide what will happen to them. I don’t care anymore. I have opted to lead my own life long ago. I love my life now and never have the slightest intention to revive those moments again. Going back to them would be the last thing on earth that I would do. But I only have a sweet memory with them now. They surely gave me some light in the past and filled up my soul with some beautiful things. For that, I am thankful for having experienced such a weirdly fulfilling relationship with the group. I definitely cannot let go the experience very easily.

For they have stolen some of my precious teenage years.