I had an unforgettable moment with a good friend of mine.

During a motivational camp held in Ramadan, when everybody was having their berbuka puasa at a mosque, we sneaked out. It was his stupid idea. We had already bought our own food and planned to break our fast somewhere else, where there was nobody around.

"How about right there?" he pointed to a table for two by the lake. From there, we could look at a picturesque view of the lake.
"That's perfect," I agreed.
"Hope nobody is swimming!" He was so brave and childish.
With a naughty smile, I followed him. We broke our fasting, chatted and laughed gleefully. It sounds simple, but it lasts on my mind. Because it was an unforgettable evening for me.

When I remember this, I always put myself out of the scene, trying to look at it from an angel's point of view, putting myself in the middle of the lake, flying and looking at the two spoilt teenagers. In my mind, the whole scene was like a hallmark drama, so heartwarming and beautiful. The sun was peacefully setting down. The clouds were truly amazing. The kaleidoscopic reflection on the surface of the lake was the most beautiful of all. It was the reflection of free spirit. I guess, this is the very reason why I am crazy about lakes these days. A free-spirit reason.

The truth is, I really admire my friend’s free spirit. At our secondary school, he was so determined to live his life differently, accepting the fact that he was actually different. Everybody in the school knew that he was different. At this time, I wasn't that close to him, afraid that I would be labeled the same, and also afraid that I would be subjected to ridicule and humiliation among brainless students, just like he had been through. However, he wasn't bothered at all until everybody was looking at each others' disbelieving faces when he actually got a place in a local university. He was a hero then.

It was at the university that I tried to get to know him better. I was not afraid of the juicy, scandalous speculation anymore because, at this stage, I thought everybody should be very open-minded and matured enough to accept a friend like him. I knew our friendship was pure. He was a great friend who taught me lots of great things about life. He was my guru of life at that time. He was my inspiration. I learnt how to free my spirit. I learnt how to listen to my heart. I tried and tried and tried.

But in the end, I wasn't and couldn't be as free as he was and could. There were things that I just couldn't do. I still believed that there were limitations on how free someone could possibly be, but he didn't care. He was ready for any challenges and consequences. Nothing could stop his free spirit. It was his agonizing past experience that taught him to be this way. Despite the many heroic things he did at the university, he studied real hard and managed to graduate one year earlier than me. I admired his hard work.

After graduation, his fate was not that bad. Only he couldn't stick to a single job. Every time I met him, he would give me a new card: Assistant Manager of this, Assistant Manager of that... wow! His carefree passion in life was definitely admirable. However, this endless passion also almost killed him. Disappointed with his frustrating love life, he once gulped dozens of pills, admitted to a hospital, and survived his suicidal attempt. His spirit was so free he couldn't stop it from flying unnecessarily. What's worse, he was even fired by his company then. Yet, his free spirit again took a faster beat when he started his own company. He was on the verge of a big, bold, adventurous journey that any typical fresh graduates wouldn't ever dare to embark on. With strong determination, he got an investor's 80K in his hand to start off his daring endeavor. Oh my God.

Lately, I have been ignoring him, thanks to my busy life. I am so sorry that I haven't been a good friend to him. But he always tries to keep in touch with me. When he called me a month ago, it was heart-breaking. He informed me that his business was booming.

"I am opening a new branch near KLCC", he confidently said.
"Congrat! That's cool man."
"Okay lah..."
"Err.. friend, how's your personal life?" I tried to sound like a trustworthy confidante.
He was thinking before saying, "I'm leaving everything soon."
I was utterly shocked. "What do you mean - everything!?"
I could slightly hear him sobbing. For a few seconds, there was an awkward silence.
"Hey, what happened?" I was impatient and worried. I was not ready for bad news because I had my final exam paper on the following day. He was still silent. And I had an uneasy feeling mounting inside, ready to explode. I knew it - what he was about to say would be the last thing that I could ever imagine in my mind. And I didn't want to hear that. Because it was going to haunt my life forever. But he was going to break free his strongest spirit.

He finally said it: "I am HIV-positive."

(This post was originally published by cekmi at dannyhussainy.blogspot.com on April 27, 2005.)