Having tendered my resignation and living in KL during a temporary period of a two-month notice have brought about a lot of unexpected sentiments. Knowing that leaving is certain has also invited so many suffocating thoughts. I am now living in the middle of a major turnaround in my life. As I am getting ready to cross a new road and embark on a new adventurous journey, all things suddenly fall thunderously into a bigger, scary picture. Strong emotions and melancholy are reluctantly enveloped towards current attachment and future detachment – what’s left behind and what’s coming next. This happens almost dreamlikely, as if I had just been given some kind of power of a prophetic vision.

After having received the offer from Universiti Teknologi Malaysia, I have been having a surreal life. The doors of opportunities seem wide open and begin to gain their amazing momentum. While waiting nervously to start my new career at UTM, surprising news keeps coming my way, which seems too good to be true. While job-hunters are struggling to get into employment, I am spoilt with choices. After getting a place in UTM, I had to reject three rare offers of interviews from Universiti Malaysia Terengganu, Universiti Malaysia Pahang and International Islamic University Malaysia. Plus, I also had to turn down a lucrative offer of employment from Swinburne University. I can’t believe that I did this. When you stop chasing the shadow, they will be chasing back towards you, won’t they?

One thing for sure, getting into a public university has been my utmost aim. So, when it came to me all at once, knocking my complacent door of life, it took me days to realise that I was going to be reborn and reprogrammed into a totally whole new paradigm. However, having to leave KL for good and starting a new life in JB is hard to swallow. It has been mind-boggling to get things into their correct perspectives. The mental turmoil and emotional upheaval seem to be dominant that keep irking my waking hours.

Of course, I grabbed this opportunity greedily and wholeheartedly without even looking back. But it was hard not look back. I have been spending half of my life in Klang Valley. Moving away from my family at the of 16, I took pride in being independent and began building my self-sufficient livelihood in Klang, Lembah Pantai, Petaling Jaya, Sunway, Setapak, Wangsa Maju, Setiawangsa and Gombak. All these places have special parts in my memory since they have witnessed my painstaking fight towards manhood. The experiences gained and the friends met can never be traded lightly. But to achieve things, something must be sacrificed – I have to leave them behind.

Realizing this overwhelming fact, all my petty day-to-day activities appear so animated that hold some significance in their own ways. I am now seeing them with refreshing perspectives. Getting to college is now pleasurable, as if I have never been to my college. Looking at my students’ faces fills me with deep satisfaction, as if I have never seen them before. Gossiping with my colleagues is such a joy, as if I have never backbitten before. Having dinner with friends feels so alive, as if I have never dined with them before. Even driving through traffic-congested roads in KL is enjoyable, as if I have never driven through these crazy roads before.

Mundane and simple moments have never looked so extraordinary. Having single-mindedly pursued and achieved my personal dreams, I somehow feel that I have marginalized and overlooked so many valuable things in my life. I think I have not been kind and appreciative enough towards them. This fact saddens me. It is difficult to bid farewell to the good things around me. Frankly, I don’t really look forward to the idea of farewell gatherings, which I think I don’t deserve such an honour from the people whose kindnesses have always exceeded my unbecoming behaviours.

I am moving further away from my family and friends – from east coast to west coast and now to south coast. I will definitely miss them terribly. When I couldn’t sleep at nights, feeling insecured and frightened to leave behind all the comforts and familiarities here, I will try to blanket my disturbed mind by visualising the golden opportunities lying ahead of me, ready to be lived and realised. I will be thrilled pondering upon the promising chances of teaching matured university students, befriending wise professors, starting doctorate studies abroad, and living a more rewarding professional life. At this point, the overwhelmingly positive prospect of living in Johor Bahru seems so alluring and welcoming that I couldn’t wait to move and leave immediately. I will tell myself that my time has certainly come. My painful leaving is absolutely going to be reimbursed by my future prosperous living.

Bearing this in my mind, I am prepared to leave and live again.

X. X. X.

The ‘X’es are everywhere, at every corner and public spot your eyes can possibly reach. No, they do not promote single X-rated pornography or the sequel of X-Files movies. Those banners and posters are meant to trigger your political senses to exercise your precious muscles to write the correct symbol during this upcoming General Election. On a ballot paper, an X symbolizes correct agreement and compromise. Well, I am so not politically opinionated, but shouldn’t they change the symbol to a TICK? I suppose, a tick means ‘YES, CORRECT!’ and an X means ‘NO, NOT CORRECT!” - correct?

As a child, when I looked at those political posters, I always thought that an X written next to a party’s logo meant ‘please don’t vote for another party’ or ‘please write an X to the opponent party’. Silly me. So, when I cast my vote for the first time, I found it weird to write an X next to my chosen party. Wasn’t it supposed to be a tick? Can I put a tick there? Hah? Spoilt vote? Thanks for telling me, Dad.

When I was a little boy, I remember joining the election campaign to woo the voters in my kampong. It was early in the morning of the Election Day. I was riding a bicycle cheerfully, going round and round into people’s houses. The old men and women were excited and ready for the battle. The catchy jingle of ‘Marilah mari, kita mengundi’ was heard almost non-stop through all the mainstream electronic media. The parties’ strong supporters kept exchanging words, jeering and cheering at each other. Name-calling seemed pertinent and excusable. There was a serious war between the Greens and the Blues. I was naïve and clueless of what was happening. But the whole pandemonium looked thrilling for me, as if I was in some kind of a circus carnival where stupid-looking clowns were using their utmost communicative skills to amuse the eager-looking passers-by.

“This is how you do it,” said a religious-looking man to a fragile lady, illustrating her on how to write an X in the correct box. He continued, “Do not ever write an X on another box, nanti masuk neraka (you will go to Hell!)”
“No, no, no. I am very old. Nak masuk syurga (I want to go to Heavan),” said the lady, looking so relaxed and proud.


Being one of the critical 300,000 Kelantanese outstation voters in Klang Valley, I am sure that my tiny hands are gigantically influential for the future path of my home state. With free transportation and all those hoping smiles from desperate faces, my existence must be one of the most sought-after in the universe. Hey people, I am not sure whether I am eligible to go to Heavan, but I am sure that I am eligible enough to go to the polling station this Saturday on my own, without any prince-like escort from those macho body guards or swaying little ladies of yours.

Oh, hello, I am pretty sure that I am NOT one of the phantom voters from Hell. My vote will definitely go straight to the Holy Ballot Box which will actually (and hopefully spiritually) determine the Heavanness or Hellishness of Kelantan for the next four or five years. Because my X matters and is powerful, correct? Not correct? Ah, whatever. Just X it, don’t tick it. And you will be part of this critically-debated power of democracy.

Happy ‘X’ing guys!