It was Friday again. All lecturers were happily compelled to carry out this noble duty again. So, I had to do it again. Every Friday.

Usrah, again.

Okay students, the module topic for today’s usrah is smoking. Do you know what smoking is? Correct. Clever. What? Marlboro? Okay. Whatever. Come on, don’t tell me that you have no idea at all about smoking-related issues. Everybody knows it, kan? Smoking is prohibited in the college. Yes. It harms you. Yes. It kills you. Yes. It is haram. Yes. Bla bla bla.

Enough.

I am not going to keep doing this conventional usrah-ly type of discussion. Let me get you engaged into more lively kinetic activities. You like it? Now, imagine that our college is going to conduct a Stop-Smoking Campaign. And all of you here are the organizers. Okay, I will divide you into a few groups. And your group tasks are, number 1, to draw a giant Stop-Smoking poster and, number 2, to compose a jingle. Interesting, isn’t it? Hah? You don’t know what a jingle is? Ala, like that one on ntv7 – “I feel gooooood”. Ehem, did I sing well? Understood?

“Er… Sir… can we… sing?”
“Of course you can, dahling. It is only a mini song. No music. It is halal okay.”

Are you ready, people of the jungle? Okay, Do it now. Yes, NOOOOOW!

If I were a father
I would buy him a castle
Pampering him lovingly
Making him an affluent son

If I were a father
I would teach him Queen English
Coaching him the pure impeccability
Making him an eloquent, affluent son

If I were a father
I would build the biggest library
Calling it Cekmi & Son’s MegaKnowledge
Making him a gifted, eloquent, affluent son

If I were a father
I would construct a lake garden for us
Taking us to the beautiful unfounded land
Making him a poetic, gifted, eloquent, affluent son

If I were a father
I would call him Ilham Iskandar
Ilham, The Inspired
Iskandar, The Great

If I were a father lah..

When I wanted to put on my trousers this morning, I had a problem, er, a happy problem - they did not fit me well. They were too loose. I looked like a fashion victim screened hideously on TMnet's TV advertisement. I tried another one. Loose. Then another. Too loose. What happened to me? Then I remembered the old trousers I long kept in my old cupboard drawers. I dug through the drawers and finally found them. Yes, they perfectly fit me. Size 29! Oh my God. Honey, I have shrunk my waist! Then, a flash of words from my friends suddenly spun around my jumbled mind.

“Did you get bullied by your new Ummi?”
“Why Cekmi, you look so sick!”
“Last semester, you looked more macho lah.”
“Did you not eat anything recently?”
“Hello pizza delivery boy!”
“Are you depressed?”
“I think you can win an Anugerah Diet Negara.”

Hmmm. Maybe these people were right. I smiled. I should have taken those words as compliments, no matter what their initial intentions were.


I am happy. My plan has actually worked out. It all began after I let go my administrative position in the college and fly away, honeymooning freely like a newly-released convict. What’s more, I felt aging, so I remember thinking that I had to do something worthy for myself before I reached 30 years old. Indeed, my physical appearances have changed tremendously since then. When I started my little mission eight months ago, I was a little pessimistic – thinking that all my efforts wouldn’t go anywhere. My initial weight was 66 kg, and now it is 53 kg. No people, it is not good enough. I have another 3 kilograms to lose. My real target is a perfect round of 50 kg, and that will be accomplished, I promise to myself, before this coming New Year’s Eve. Too ambitious? Nope.

Ops, no dear, I am not paranoid nor anorexic. And NO NO NO, I have not been into any crash diet programs recently. Excuse me darling, I never take any dietary pills. Sorry. In fact, I eat whatever I fantasize. Maybe I am just obsessed with the correct proportion of food intake. Oh, I do swim almost everyday that it has become an unstoppable passion. Sometimes, I find it quite weird when I actually feel good when I am hungry. When I share this feeling with my friends, they will usually look at me contemptuously and give me that are-you-nuts look.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting yourself?” they keep asking me. I will diplomatically answer them, “Well, I am doing this for my own personal satisfaction. I want to feel good about myself. I am happy to realize the fact that I am really taking good care of my physical beings. Moreover, I want to feel much more younger, more thrilled, and more confident.” Whoa. Did it sound so fake and artificial? Please. Hahaha.

Whenever people see me eating only a quarter of the food on my plate and ask me such classically-annoying questions like “Kau diet ke?” or “Eh, takkan diet kot,” I would reply boldly: “Yes, I am on diet. You got problems with that?” Yes, I do get irritated with those unsupportive remarks about my diet. Okay, especially for those who are so interested in my dietary affairs, and if you happen to read this blog, I would like to give you a hidden piece of my mind. Here is my extended answer to you: “Why bother? Just because you cannot loose those fats in you, can you just let me do it alone? Do I make your life more miserable if I loose my weight? Or do I make you happier if I stop dieting? Just go away and eat whatever you want, and be happily obese!" Ouch.

Whenever people keep noticing the changes in my external looks, I become more passionate and determined in doing what I am doing now. I always feel the inclination to experience a lot of ‘young’ stuffs in life. Maybe Jimi was right. I am a late-boomer. You can see that in my tak-sedar-diri hairstyle and my contact-lenses eyes. Colored? No, maybe very soon.

Oh by the way, these are my angels.

Er, what to do with those flabby shirts and baggy trousers? Bury them? Maybe it is time for me to do some shopping at Suria KLCC.

When I read this, I had a sudden urge to unleash some of the mysterious windows of my past life and share them with my dear readers. You might be shocked with the revelation since you might have to readjust your mind-setting later on me. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my confession.

It happened 14 years ago. 1992. I was just 16 years old. Sweet 16. Things were extremely complicated. I was in a boarding school in Klang. Emotionally, I had to bear a complex feeling since, for the first time, I had to live 400 miles’ away from my family in Kelantan. What’s more, life in a boarding school could be so suffocating especially when you are a gullible and innocent person who has to cater for all the nonsensical needs of the mentally-challenged seniors. Indeed, I was so in dire need for guidance and some light to heal my grieving soul.


It was during this breakdown stage that I found some comfort and relief in a school’s nasyid group. Yes, singing was my previous pastime. I became an active member who got engaged in almost all of the programs, internally and externally. What I didn’t know at that time was the hidden fact that this nasyid group was somehow related to another larger organization. We were so passionately involved that, out of a miracle, we later recorded an album in a real studio. Really. Soon after that, I joined another nasyid group which was more directly linked to the later-to-be-banned group. We were so close and hardworking that we succeeded in producing another nasyid album, right before Raihan became a hit in Malaysia. The last time I heard about the album was that it was sold more than 6,000 copies. What made me so proud was that the album was named after my song, yes, my own song. In fact, I composed three songs in the album. But, too bad, I never received the royalty.


At this moment, I had already become aware of the existence of the ‘father’ group. Being a lost teenager, I was not really bothered with the details of their teachings. But what I did know and care at that time was the fact that I truly enjoyed the group’s hospitality and kindnesses. They were so good to me. I had never felt so emotionally fulfilled in my life. The moments I was with them were unusually pleasurable. I went to their headquarters and enjoyed their friendly and warm treatment. We sang together the ‘sacred’ song, calling for someone’s return. The feeling was so strong that the melody and the lyrics of the song still remain as vivid as my own face in the mirror.


I remember reading the famous books by their leader. I felt some sort of deep admiration for him. I was captivated with his powerful words and prophetic insights. At that moment, I didn’t know what to believe. I was confused. But, I never said that I believed his prophecy nor rejected them totally. So, I just followed the flow rather blindly. What I minded most was that my free time was filled with friendly friends and fun activities. In fact, I helped them run few businesses in Klang and Shah Alam after my SPM. Yes, I did not go back to Kelantan. So naughty. I lived with them. I physically dressed like them. I was almost like them. I was not alone anymore. I felt so happily occupied, away from loneliness, healed from the anguished feelings caused by the previous cruelty during my hostel life.


My intimate involvement with the group lasted for two years. When I finally enrolled a university, I realized that I had to be more practical and lead my life as a normal teenager. When the group was banned later, I immediately detached myself from the group, discarding and burning everything related to the group. I was pretty shocked with the revelation of the deviant teachings and misleading rituals because I was not aware of those things. How ignorant and stupid. Having realized this, I had never considered myself to be a member of the group since I joined them for nasyid and ‘leisure’ purposes, simply trying to fill in the emotional gap in me. It did work that way. Really, it was a hard and devastating moment since then. I started to lose my close friends. I deleted all the contacts with them. I hid from them. I later transformed myself into a new, modern and open person. I began to make new friends - more normal and happening friends. I never turned back.


When the government decided to re-ban the group recently, I was not surprised anymore. I knew that the group can be so persistent. But, I am neither a supporter nor an opponent for this group. Let the government decide what will happen to them. I don’t care anymore. I have opted to lead my own life long ago. I love my life now and never have the slightest intention to revive those moments again. Going back to them would be the last thing on earth that I would do. But I only have a sweet memory with them now. They surely gave me some light in the past and filled up my soul with some beautiful things. For that, I am thankful for having experienced such a weirdly fulfilling relationship with the group. I definitely cannot let go the experience very easily.

For they have stolen some of my precious teenage years.