People call me Mr. Hellaluya Pit. Yes, I am an angel from Hell.

As a matter of fact, I am unofficially assigned by the Hell Ministry to be Cekmi’s guardian angel in the world. And what the hell have these people on earth been doing to Cekmi? As a respected guardian, I have to protect his well-beings on earth. Otherwise, I could easily send those troublemakers to Hell. By the way, do you guys know that Cekmi’s real name sounds like Hell Me? Funny, isn’t it? Be careful, because he could Hell You any time he wants.


The Bull-shitty World Management

“The formula for achieving success is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities, but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster” - Quentin Crisp

Thank you for the food-for-the-soul tip, Mr Crisp. But you can go to Hell. I can tell that Cekmi doubts your words, because he wonders how he would sleep at night with such trivialities that got him on his nerves. You should have some mercy over his shitty life because he has recently encountered a lot of administrative bullshits that have driven him crazy that people around him would easily notice his strange behaviours by curiously asking annoying varieties of are-you-okay questions or why-you-so-stressed-out inquiries. You don’t understand what I am talking about, do you? That’s because I live in Hell and I am using a hellish language.

Okay now, let’s take a deeper look at his pathetic worldly administration stories, both at his university and his college, which have indeed put his life in a great glorious shit these days. You are lucky to see him alive with that skeletal body he thought he was so good-looking but I don’t think so because I think he looks so sick and damned. People in hell are a lot healthier and fatter. Okay okay okay, you snoopy bloggers who can’t resist the smell of good stories, these are the damned stories.


The Damnation of the International Irate University

He went to his university recently to check on his postgraduate status. So he entered excitedly like a fairy into the office of Post-graduate Studies. A moment later, the fairy flew away, because he found out the most shocking revelation in his life. The dumb-looking man at the counter told him aloofly:

“Brother, you have been dismissed from the university.”

Pause.

I don’t have to tell you how he reacted, because you can guess already how a drama queen like Cekmi would react in such a dramatic moment. But I am going to tell you anyway.

Play.

Cekmi was downright traumatized the world seemed to stop for a while. The feelings were so heavy things seemed to move in a slow motion like some kinda action movie. He looked at the sloppy I-don’t-care-how-you-feel-right-now man at the counter, and he felt like saying all the vulgar words he learnt in life before smashing the head of that son-of-a-bitch at the counter with the biggest hammer in the world and slicing out his brain like what Sylar did in Heroes, but thanks to the imaginary lawless world, Cekmi wouldn’t say nor do those things because it was a real lawful world and he would only say all those imaginary words and do all those imaginary actions in his blog later. All he could mutter was a faint “What? Dismissed?”

After few revealing seconds, Cekmi laughed madly at the bastard decision the university had decided for him, because how could it not be funny when he was a nerd who had religiously followed all the rules and regulations of the university, and he had been right there around the university almost everyday, and he had submitted the thesis for approval, and he had brought all the best out of him to graduate, and everything had seemed so right and perfect, when suddenly a bloody man at the counter told him that he was dismissed? Cow shit.

The nutty people in the office later told Cekmi that he missed to fill in one form. Of all the reasons in the world, he was kicked out of the prestigious university because he forgot to fill in a form. A form. Ahah. Thanks. But, how in the name of Heavan would he know which form to fill or when to fill them or how to fill them when the forms are so overwhelming in number, and there is no clear instruction, like a checklist or something, to guide or ease the complicated procedures, and there is no one reminding him over the possibilities of his ignorance and dismissal through whatsoever channels of communication? Buffalo shit.

After few days, Cekmi was again an ACTIVE student. At last they did their damn job.


The Nightmare of the International Irritating College

Back at his workplace, the disaster was almost synonymous with Cekmi. He left the administration in his college a year ago. He felt that he was so lucky and happy for leaving all the nonsensical stuff generated by the never-ending madness in the college management. But the management has never left him alone. As long as he is paid by the college, he would be forever stuck in the worst nightmare.

The most recent nightmare Cekmi was forced to face was to be the Director for another students’ intake. Since the very beginning, he felt sick and annoyed with the no-bonus syndrome spread in the college.

“If you don’t do this, no bonus!” those people with high power keep reminding him. So they thought this performance-based bonus is the key factor for all the human productivity in the college. Well, they might be right. Being a private cost-conscious college, it demands all the lecturers to be multitasking so that it will be cost-effective. With a low incentive, or maybe free refreshments on Fridays and the bonus in mind, the lecturers are expected to be ready for any unexpected assignments which could cost their teaching quality and reward them with a bonus or two. On the other hand, by looking at the high drop-out rate among lecturers, the management might be wrong. Oh, who wants the bonus when they have to sacrifice a lot of their nights and weekends for administrative tasks that could have been possibly handled by specialized administrators, provided the management is ready to hire them?

Plus, who wants the bonus if those poor lecturers are treated like beggars, putting them into constant no-bonus threat, pressurizing them into high-profile interviews to qualify them for a single bonus? In the end, the whole motivation for workforce in the college seems to be bonus-oriented. What happens to the I-want-to-help-the-nation-and-Ummah drive? What the hell is happening? Might as well the college is renamed the BONUS College.

Believe Or Not, U Suck.

Whatever the motive is, Cekmi was one of the victims. But he was no longer a bonus-driven gadget. So he carried out his job so involuntarily and with so much hatred and irritation. Why should he do something that could not contribute to his teaching profession? Experience? Bonus? But he could not complain. No bonus. And this no-bonus ridiculousness was at its peak when he met the HR manager.

“Since I came to work last Sunday for student intake and fulfilled six hours, I want to apply for one unrecorded leave,” said Cekmi stiffly.
“Was that the first time you worked on Sunday?”
“Does it matter?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. You have to work for two Sundays to claim for one unrecorded leave.”
And that answer put Cekmi in a rage, as he said: “And since when did you create this policy? Yesterday?”
“I thought everybody knows about this.”
“No, I don’t know. Show me the black and white memo!”
The HR moment was silent. Cekmi continued, “Look. I don’t mind about not getting a leave, but I don’t want to be the only victim of this so-called reasonable reimbursement. So I demand you to circulate a new notice and let everybody know about this fancy policy of yours.”
“Please Cekmi, don’t get angry at me. I am just new around here and I take orders from someone else too.”
“No, you should learn how to do your job properly and you should know how to decide on your own, and for God’s sake, you are the Manager, not some kinda stupid school children!”

Cekmi’s application has never been approved.

So tell me, is administration in the whole world just another bullshit in disguise? Do all worldly administrations have to be so cruel to their people? Are citizens of the world too busy minding how much they would get at the end of the month they forget to deliver their decent service to others? Administration is supposed to ease people’s affairs, but heck, maybe I should send all these people to Hell and let them suffer the worst administration affairs in their afterlife, waiting for Lord’s decision on the Judgment Day.

But on the other hand, Cekmi should slow down a bit. Maybe he should treat those disasters as trivialities. Maybe he should know that it is not the end of the world, unless I decide to send him to Hell very soon.

This is Mr. Hellaluya Pit. Out.