I am turning 31
I am liberating
I am Merdeka

Cigarettes
Credit cards
Calories and fats
University hassles

Merdeka, Merdeka, Merdeka
Oh yeah
Oh yeah
Oh yeah

Enjoy your freedom
Not for 50 years
Not for Malaysia
But forever
But for you and me

Merdeka, Malaysia
Malaysia, Merdeka
Cekmi, Merdeka?

I am, at 31
Oh yeah

On a hot hot night, I had a jalan-jalan cari makan adventure with my housemate, Aye. We stopped by a Thai restaurant near the Danau Kota Uptown, Setapak. It was nearly midnight, so I wanted to order something light. There was a thing that caught my eyes.

Yee Mee Hot Pot.

That is really tempting, I thought. Well, I am not really a Hot Pot person, but what the heck, why shouldn’t I just allow myself to taste something else besides nasi lemak or nasi kerabu or nasi dagang and all that? Sure this hot pot wouldn’t harm me, would it? So, I ordered one Yee Mee Hot Pot. While waiting for the pot, I recalled one of my reading classes where I informed my students about the history of hot pot, where it evolved in the early 20th century among coolies whose back-breaking labor involved tugging riverboats upstream against the strong current of the Yangtze River. Underpaid and overworked, these coolies could afford little for meals and often gathered around a fire and a common pot, into which they dipped any food they could get their hands on. This was how hot pot started. For me, this sounded like how Muslims’ Asyura began during the times of critical hunger and emergency when these poor muslims gathered all sort of foods and lumped them together into a big pot and produce a culinary masterpiece called Asyura. Hmm.

Back to hot pot business, I couldn’t help smiling when I remembered my students’ daunting expressions when I told them about the bizarre choice of edibles at any traditional hot pot which include calf’s liver, pig’s brain and cow’s throat. It is delicious, I said jokingly, and they would moan and groan, erk, uwek, yuck, disgusting. I went on telling them about one extraordinary fact of China – the hotter the weather is, the more people here like to eat the hottest food imaginable, and they believe that if they want to stay cool, they have to get hot!

What an eccentric principle of living.

Oh, my Yee Mee Hot Pot was now ready in front of me. It looked so yummy, and I couldn’t wait to have it, but after few minutes of deliberate attempts, I couldn’t stand the heat – it was too darn hot! So I gave up and asked Aye to finish it. Take it, it is too hot, I don’t need this kind of hotness on a hot night, so you can enjoy this hot pot because I think you are very hot, I said to Aye. He ate it religiously until I realised that he had in his mouth all the things that I wanted – prawns, meets, fish balls, chicken, and all the edibles that I longed to have, and I couldn’t see them before because they were hidden right under the hot Yee Mee! If only I had been a little more patient and stronger, I could have savoured all those things. I felt like telling Aye, Stop it! Stop it! Goddammit. Give it back to me! It is my damn hot pot. I paid for it. But of course I didn’t say these because everything had just gone, glowing right into the famous hallway of my housemate’s stomach.

After some time, I smiled at myself because this Yee Mee Hot Pot experience taught me a very important lesson - it was not about the hot pot, it was more than that. I have always known the fact that hot pot is definitely hot and potentially detrimental, so I have to expect this tricky fact beforehand and be ready for all the possible consequences, and if I am tough and resilient enough to bear with all these pressures and challenges, I will be surprisingly rewarded with unexpected things towards the end of the trials and tribulations, because no matter how hot the hot pot is, it is worthwhile.

So is life.

I AM A LATECOMING KING.
And proud of it.

Fun, isn’t it? Yes, it is an effective lesson on punctuality. So, if you want to experience these rare privileges of being glamourous and elite, you may come late to my class and it will definitely be my great pleasure and honour to crown you with these highly-acclaimed titles.

And you’ll be proud of it. Thank you.

14th of August 2007 is a seemingly normal day for most normal human beings, unless it is the day they are luckily born or luckily get married or unluckily break up with their life partners, but 14th of August 2007 is a truly lucky and special day for me as I celebrate today in my own ecstatic ways, as there is nothing wrong with that since I deserve this celebration, because I have been patiently waiting for this specific moment for nearly four years, struggling and aching with endless detours and irresistible cocktails that have annoyingly delayed the strenuous work for such a painfully long long long long and long period. Phew.

And today is my graduation day.

When I got onto a public bus at the Kota Bharu bus station recently, I did something immoral – I did not pay the bus fare.

Ha hah!

Excuse me, I was not a psychopath who looked for a mischievous way for a free ride, but there was no driver or a bus conductor on the bus asking for the fare. So I just took a seat and was then happy to see that the other passengers who came after me seemed not to be bothered about their bus tickets as well. Oh, someone might probably come later and ask for the ticket, so I thought.

When the bus driver finally came, he just got into his seat and sped off without even asking for the tickets from me or the other indifferent passengers. There was no bus conductor as well. What was happening? Should I just run to the bus driver and pay? Was there a hidden machine to pay for the fare? Did I miss something here? I dared not ask the passengers because I did not want to sound like a foolish Kelantanese who did not even know how to pay a bus fare in his own beloved state. As I was riding the bus, I was worried the whole time, wondering if I had committed a serious crime, if I had breached a newly-upgraded payment system in Kelantan, or whether I would be sent to a jail sooner for not paying a bus fare and for being an irresponsible and ignorant citizen of Malaysia.

When the bus reached the Pasir Mas bus station, I rushed to the bus driver.

“How much?” I asked him worriedly.
“Oh, where from?”
“Kota Bharu.”
“Tigo amah (RM1.50).”

I gave him the money and, surprisingly, he seemed unconcerned. When I reached home, I narrated the whole details to my little sister.

“How come the bus driver didn’t ask for the bus fare?” I whined angrily. “What kind of system is this? In Singapore, you would never get on the bus if you don’t pay the fare first. You’ll be caught if you don’t, I suppose. And Singaporean public transport, like MRT, is so first-class. I don’t understand Kelantan. So inefficient, so third world!”

My sister seemed oblivious with my wicked comments, and she looked so undisturbed, just like the bus driver. She gave me that strange smile and said: “Well, who needs a Singaporean system in Kelantan? The bus drivers here should have known all his passengers personally. And the passengers also should have known their responsibilities when riding on a bus. Everybody knows each other here, Cekmi. There is trust and love on the air. So, there is no need to trace for those who pay or do not pay the bus fare. This is an Islamic state. There is nothing to worry about. This is how it works here. This is Kelantan, not Singapore.”

My little sister might have a point.

When it comes to handling usrah, I am always equipped with the unthinkable bit of knowledge which, in some gratifying ways, provides some ingenious leeway for my utter ignorance over the subject matter. This is one of them.

Okay students, today’s topic is Soul Purification. Eh, have I started this class with Al-Fatihah? Oh, I have? Thanks Huda, whoa, you look so pretty today with that famous Wardina-style tudung and glittering baju kurung that people only wear when they go to a wedding, hmmm, are you going for a date after this? Hah, why you smile smile like that, Amran? You are going with her, ke? Astaghfirullah, this is Friday lah, hissh hissh hissh. Okay okay, let’s talk about our usrah today. Wait wait, haa… here comes another VIP who is fashionably late to class. Give him a big round of applause. Clap clap clap. Yes, welcome to my class dear VIP, you can kindly proceed to you seat and be comfortably seated on your comfy leathered chair there, and congratulations on your classic lateness because you’ve successfully got my attention and these girls’ attention. I know you are desperately looking for attention and craving for love, and that’s why you purposely came late today, right Nabil? Good boy.

Okay people, let’s start now. What is it, Noraini? You wanna go to the toilet? Why you wanna go to the toilet at the beginning of my class? You can go to the toilet before my class, can’t you? Cannot tahan? Go go go to the toilet and what Abdullah? No no no, you cannot say things like that to her. Naughty lah you ni. You want to go to a toilet too, Hazwan? Okay, make sure you read the sign properly before entering the toilet ha ha. Okay okay, this is usrah, not English class. I should be talking like a respectable Ustaz. What Fatimah? These old newspaper? Wait, I will tell you very soon. Patient patient patient. Sabar itu separuh daripada iman. Ha ha.

Now, I will put you into 5 groups. I will start counting you now, one, two, three, what Sharifah? You want to choose your own group members? Hak elah, why you people ah, always like to be among your own kind only? So complacent and racist. Okay, choose choose choose. Now now. Only five or four students in a group. Yes, like that. Faster. Faster. Why you slow? Aggressive lah sikit.

Now, see these old newspapers? I want you guys to build the tallest and strongest building using these newspapers only, yes, only these. Use your wild imagination and creativity to build one building. I don’t care how it will look like as long as it is a building, not a durian or a kueh. Any question? No Husna, no, you cannot use other things besides these newspapers. I have brought enough newspapers and I think they are enough for five groups. Yes Faisal, yes, you can build any type of building, KLCC, KL Tower, Menara Maybank, Tabung Haji, anything. But make sure, people, your buildings must be tall and strong. The group that builds the strongest and tallest building will be the winner. Any other questions? Yes Mashitah, toilet? Haiyoyo, go go go. Okay, you may start now. How long? Hmm, 15 minutes, not enough? Okay okay okay, 30 minutes. Now, come and grab these newspapers. Now!